That's How I Learned to Pray

Have you ever looked up at the stars in the sky, felt a tug at your heart

Didn't know why but you just knew

Someone is up there lookin' out for you.

Well you know just what I mean when I say grace.

That's how I learned to pray.

                                            - Charlie Worsham

Whelp. Finals are over. My first year of law school is over. Granted, I finished up a little over a week ago. It's summer! Wooh! I should be thrilled. I'm really not. Since about March, I've been dreading the coming of summer. I knew that once my friends left and got busy I'd be on my own again. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my own company well enough. I just enjoyed that law school gave me something to do.

I have way too much free time. In some ways, the last week has been harder on me than the weeks leading up to, and during, finals. Too much free time isn't good for a person, I think. Rest is important, for sure, but too much rest makes a person lazy. I'm itching to be working on something productive but at the same time, I can't bring myself to do much of anything at all.

I have been putting off writing this post because I was hoping to have something positive to talk about. Something like GREAT NEWS! or at least that things are going well. But that would be lying and unrealistic. I can't always have good things to talk about. I would have kept putting it off except that people have been asking for a blog post. I'm not trying to say that everything in my life is going wrong, because it's not. I have a fantastic vehicle. I have amazingly supportive parents. I have a wonderfully encouraging boyfriend and some pretty incredible friends. But aside from the vehicle, the positive influences in my life are just not here. And that makes things harder. Not impossible, though, just harder to manage. I'm learning how to deal with life as it is. The more I learn, the more I know things will get better.

If I'm being honest, it's hard to be optimistic about this summer. Things just don't seem to be working out like I had wanted. But isn't that true of most things? Our plans rarely seem to go as we plan them. I wanted to be in California -- I got turned down from every internship I applied for. I was hoping to take summer classes -- for several reasons, that didn't happen. I was hoping to have already started my internship -- I haven't heard back about scheduling. I was at least hoping to be working...but that's its own shenanigan.

After debating whether I should write about this, I ultimately decided to share my lovely job hunting experience because this is the primary reason of my present temporary discouragement. I had applied to several places and had been offered an interview from Best Buy, as a mobile sales consultant, and from career services, as a graduate assistant. I really wanted the job at Best Buy. Retail was not my first choice for paid positions, but the pay was good and the hours seemed to fit perfectly with what I needed. The career services position wasn't a terrible option, the pay just didn't quite meet the need I have for the summer.

After my interview with Best Buy, I received a phone call saying that I got the position. While I was pretty sure I had never wanted to work in retail again, I began to genuinely get excited. I liked the supervisor (the one who interviewed me) and the job seemed right up my alley. He told me to contact him the next day to figure out scheduling. When I talked to him the next day, he said that I actually still had to come in for one more interview, but made it seem like it was a matter of logistics. A week later, I was called to schedule an interview with the general manager. The interview caught me off guard. I put on my best face when I was told that they hadn't made any decisions yet. Looking back, I should have mentioned the fact that the supervisor had already offered me the job, just to see what he would have said to that. But I just smiled, said that I looked forward to hearing from them, and left. I figured that it wouldn't be wise to undermine the supervisor I would be working under before even getting the job (apparently). I was told I'd hear back from them the next day.

Two weeks went by and I hadn't heard from them. I tried contacting them several times and failed to reach anyone. Yesterday, I finally got an email saying I didn't get the job. When I checked the website to look at positions at other stores, I saw that the position was still open. My dad and I have several speculations as to what happened, but regardless, I was pretty mad. I have been ranting about how unprofessional the whole situation turned out to be. I had stopped applying to jobs once I had been told that I was offered the job. That was my mistake. Shouldn't have assumed I had a job until the paperwork was signed.

Now I'm just disappointed.

Thankfully, the Career Services offered me a position and have so far been following through with things. While it wasn't my first choice, I am grateful to have a job. Well, hopefully have a job. I'm a bit skeptical until papers are signed. In the meantime, I'm in limbo.

So that's current happenings. I'm waiting. As soon as thing change (for the better or for the worse) I will post an update. In the meantime, y'all get to share my limbo. I'm sorry that I can't provide a happier update. I'll try to be better next time. (I'm also sorry I don't have pictures. Haha)

Thanks for reading! Just seeing the page views give me the encouragement I need sometimes. Good luck, CSUN students, on your finals this week!! And papers. And general life stuff. Try to get some sleep. :)

P.S.  In case you're wondering: I picked today's song because it's the exact opposite of how I'm feeling, but definitely where I would like to be tomorrow.

Near or Far

Strong is what we are
whenever we’re apart
I’ll be right where you are,
I’m in your heart
So don’t you worry ‘bout a thing
Or all the miles in between
You had my heart
You had it from the start
I’ll love you from afar  
                           

                                       -Us

Greetings!!! I hope you're all having weather that's as beautiful as mine. I went outside to take a picture of the morning to show you! I thought you might appreciate that. :)

If it weren't for allergies, I would spend the day outside....but apparently I'm just as allergic to Virginia spring as I am to California spring. So no thank you, unfortunately.

So. This will probably be my last blog post until finals are over. I've got a week until finals, then two weeks, then I'll have finished my 1L year!!! Ahhhhhhh!!! It's pretty exciting. Once finals are over, I still have no real idea of what is going on with my life for the summer. I know that I have an internship, which is awesome. I also know that I need to get a job, which is less awesome. But other than that, I have no idea what I'm actually doing with my time. I applied for a couple jobs already. Two on campus, and then Starbucks. I'm going to try some local restaurants, too. I also applied for a job for the fall in the law library! I reaaaally, really want that job. Quite a bit. Haha. Old habits die hard, apparently. Guess that three years at the Oviatt just wasn't enough for me. :)

Sooooooo, I got a caaaar. Meet my Ford Fiesta, _________.

I haven't named it yet. I can't come up with anything. Naming my Saturn was a total chance encounter. I was mad they had denounced Pluto's planet-hood, so I revolted, saying that its name was Pluto because Saturn and Pluto were both planets. Haha.  

No such luck with my Fiesta. So I'm taking suggestions! You can comment on the blog, through facebook, or send me a letter!

I really like the car. It's been such a relief to be able to around this week. This week, all the 1L's had oral arguments based on the appellate brief we just turned in. We were all required to argue twice over the week, and then some folks went to additional rounds on Saturday (thankfully, not me). So with folks doing their oral arguments for the competition, everyone's schedule was funky. Great example: The morning of my first argument, I found a run in my stocking that went all the way down the leg. I didn't own another pair, so I drove down to target and got a couple extras. It was brilliant.

(Side note: I forgot to take a picture while I was all professionally dressed up, so unfortunately I cannot pass along such a look to you at this time. I should have a picture soon, though).

So now that our required competition is out of the way (at least for most of us...the four finalists aren't quite done yet), we get to focus on finals and getting through the other four classes we have. I'm looking forward to being done, but I'm also looking forward to finals, in a way. I'm not giving up. I'm already more prepared for finals than I was at this time last semester, and I'm no where near as checked out. So bring it on.

Last but so certainly not least, I'm really excited for Saturday.

Saturday will mark one year that I've been with Kris. Normally, I try to avoid gushing on the internet about the fact that I'm in a relationship. When I was single, it was really annoying to me when people did that.

But one year is a big deal, especially considering that we've been apart for most of it. I had a conversation with someone right before Valentine's day about how excited I was for my Skype date with Kris that we'd planned. My friend said something along the lines of, "Skype dates just aren't as satisfying. It's gunna get old." He then continued to say that long distance relationships don't last. I beg to differ. 10 months out of our 12 have been long distance. And if anything is true, we've been made a lot stronger for it.

In a way, I'm glad we've had this year the way we've had it. We've learned to communicate better, for sure. But we've also had to learn how to prioritize our time both for each other and for our individual lives. I think we were made better people for it, too.

I'm extraordinarily fortunate to be with him and I am so, so happy despite the distance. Not to say we haven't had any hiccups or bumpy spots, cause we definitely have. Just, overall, our relationship is good and we are solid. He's one of the best things that could possibly happen for me.

Gushing aside, I've got work to do today! I'll write again in a few weeks....unless something monumental require me to write sooner. :) Haha.

Unstoppable

When your heart is full of doubt

As you think that there's no way out

You find your faith that's been lost and shaken

You take back what's been taken

Get on your knees and dig down deep

You can do what you think is impossible

Keep on believing, don't give in

It'll come and make you whole again

It always will, it always does

Love is unstoppable

                             -Rascal Flatts

Greetings.

It has been a very long week.

We had our appellate briefs due on Friday and I completely botched the assignment. Time got away from me, I didn't understand the problem very well and the result was a terrible paper. I know that my grade is not going to be anything close to what I'm capable of. And that is incredibly frustrating to me. I'm mad that I put myself in the situation I did. Had I figured out my problem sooner, I could have asked for help. But I thought I could handle it and didn't realize until way too late that I was in deep trouble. 

Many of the people I've talked to have reminded me that it isn't over yet. I can dwell on how angry I am with myself or I can take back the remainder of the semester. Yes, LARW is over and I botched it, but I still have four other classes that I still have a fighting chance to do really well. As long as I do the work. 

A couple of my friends are in situations not so different from my own. One friend especially is incredibly encouraging. She's constantly reminding me that all we can do is move forward. We've begun keeping each other accountable in getting work done. It's amazing to not have to do things alone. If she reads this, she should know who she is and I hope she's at least remotely aware of how grateful I am that she's become such a good friend to me in Virginia.

I'm discouraged but not beaten, and I've decided that I'm not going down without a fight.

Other than that stuff, life is pretty sweet.

Last weekend, Kris came out! :D The law school was hosting the Barrister's Ball (essentially, law school prom) and Kris came out to go with me. He flew in Friday night and left early Sunday morning. Yep folks, he was here for just over 24 hours. My parents think he's crazy. I think he's fantastic. <3 He got to meet most of my friends and they were glad to meet this boy I talk about all the time. The ball was a lot of fun. I'm really glad I went.

In other news, I have an internship for the summer! I applied for a judicial internship program through my school and I found out on Thursday that I was accepted! I'm super excited.

Unfortunately, there's a catch.....it's in Virginia. So, my wonderful Californians....I will not be coming home for the summer. I know that was my plan, but I have to go with where the job is....which is here.

I'm looking forward to staying here, though. I quite enjoy Virginia. A bunch of my friends will still be here over the summer, so it's not like I'll be all by my lonesome. AND because I'll be driving a ways to the courthouse where I was selected to work, I'll be getting a car! I'm pretty excited. Even though this internship wasn't the internship that I wanted, I've been in situations where what I thought I wanted wasn't actually the best decision at all and things I didn't think I wanted turned out to be life changing.


So that's it. I've got more homework tonight, so I'll finish up here. Like always, I'd love to get mail from you. My mailbox is too full of ads and bills, I could use some love and encouragement instead. haha.

Life of Leaving Home

I am awake and alive

There is something calling me

More than a moment in time

It's a dream I'm following

On my own

More than a moment in time

It's a life of leaving home

                                  -Yellowcard

Greetings Earthlings!

As many of you may have now noticed, I'm back on facebook! I don't check it very often and It's still better to contact me via phone or e-mail, but I am indeed back on facebook. An interesting fact about being off of facebook, my blog viewers decreased to about a fourth of what they had been, which made me sad. Apparently, most of my readers aren't friends with my boyfriend on facebook (he was posting the update notifications for me). So partly because the point of this blog is to update folks on my life, I am going to keep my facebook on, if only for giving notice that there are new posts.

The main reason I will keep it activated, though, is because I have a new phone number! I still have all of my contacts. The beauty of an iPhone is that it saves my contact list to the cloud, so I still have everyone's numbers saved. You don't need to give it to me (unless your number changed, too! Haha). I've said that, but I still have people texting me saying, "Hi! It's so-and-so." I found it mildly amusing (but as it is with most amusing things, it gets old). If you missed my facebook post about my new number, send me an email (it should be attached to this blog), leave a comment on this post, or send me a facebook message. You could also send me a letter. I still like getting those. Speaking of letters! My lovely friend Melissa sent me a Valentine. It made my day. :) 

  

I know it's been a few weeks since I last posted. There generally hasn't been anything interesting to post about. After my last post, we had a few more snow days and I got some better pictures. And lots and lots of school work. I've been doing my best to keep up and am finally feeling fairly confident about this semester. Since I doubt any of you want to hear me go in depth about my love of Contract law, I thought I'd just wait until I had real things to talk about.

There are three main events that have happened other than what I've already mentioned. 

The first was Valentine's Day! It was exciting cause it's the first one I've had with a real Valentine. My wonderful boyfriend sent me flowers and hot chocolate mix (I had been talking about how badly I had been wanting hot chocolate for a while). I had a totally ridiulous card to send to him, too, but I was unable to get to the post-office and it's still sitting on my desk in Virginia. Can we say epic-girlfriend-fail a few times? Haha. We had a nice little Skype date and I was truly thankful for modern technology. It was unfortunate that we couldn't actually be together, but we made our long-distance Valentine's date work.

The second thing was that I had my first interview for a summer internship! I haven't heard back, and I'll give more details if I actually get it, but I got an interview. Just being given the opportunity made me feel like I wasn't completely hopeless and that maybe I've got a real chance in this field. Even more exciting, this is the one that I want. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much, so I'll let y'all know when I hear back.

The third thing is Spring Break! I'm back in California for the week; I get to spend time with boyfriend and best friend and good friends and people who make me happy. :] While I still have to work on the newest Voldemort assignment, it's nice to be back in sunny L.A. The flight over here was a shenanigan and I met some interesting people and I ended getting in at like 2am , but it's been very worth it. I'm glad to be home. Since being here, I've gotten a new phone, new number, new haircut, finished a good amount of homework, and, most importantly, enjoyed time with good people. I'll say it again, it's really great to be back.

That being said, I miss Virginia, my apartment, and my friends. Turns out, Virginia's got a piece of my heart and has become one of my "homes." It's weird to know that when it comes time to leave, there will be a part of me that will be sad to go. 

Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play!
                               --From Disney's movie, Frozen

Greetings! I hope everyone is doing well. I had a lovely surprise in my mailbox today! It was Christmas all over again! Literally. I got three late Christmas presents. For the three of you who know who you are, I greatly appreciate the mail. :] Makes me happy. (See how happy I get when y'all put mail in my mailbox? winkwink-hinthint-nudgenudge.

In other news, I've been busy trying to keep up with school work and applying to internships. I think that's been the running theme of my life the last few weeks. It's been so helpful to not have Facebook, I quite enjoy it, actually. I receive more texts, emails, and general communication so it helps me out. It also helps me filter the amount of useless things I say and waste time on. Haha.

I've been applying to internships in California, lately. I've discovered a particular distaste for writing cover letters. I have three running versions that I'll adapt for different jobs, but it took me a while to get to that point. There are so many nit-picky rules!Also had to deal with printing some physical copies and envelopes... I think I made it significantly harder than it needed to be. Haha.  It get so anxious cause I'm still not sure if I'm even doing it right. But deadlines are approaching, so I need to get over myself, take the plunge and apply.

Other than that there hasn't been anything interesting going on... except, of course, the snow.

Tuesday night, it snowed in Virginia Beach leaving us with a couple of inches of the pretty, white fluffy stuff. But we also had sun, so very soon after we had snow, we had lots of ice. School ended up being fairly wonky this week. Monday we had no school due to the holiday; then, Thursday we didn't have class due to a Student/Faculty "Retreat" (speaker, lunch, etc)... even though that was half-way cancelled because of the weather. Friday, one of my classes was cancelled because my professor went out of town. It was like an extension of winter break. We were all quite pleased. Not like we got a break from the work though. Haha.

I was quite excited about the snow in general (to the dismay of my east coast classmates who were not). I've never lived in a place where we had snowfall that stuck to the ground. It's starting to melt though, so it'll be gone soon enough. I'm hoping it will take it's time, but such is not typically my luck.

So that's it! Time to get back to homework. I hope y'all have a lovely week and I'll be posting again soon. :]

How Can I Keep From Singing

What tho' my joys and comforts die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What tho' the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

                                                                 --Traditional Hymn (Version I like best by Mackenzie Tolk)

Note on the song: please, please, please listen to this song. Please. I cannot portray accurately enough how much this song resonates with the feeling behind not only this post, but just the last few years of my life. Also, Mackenzie Tolk is an incredibly talented singer and worth listening to.

[This was originally and the end of the "Beautiful Day" post, but due to length an the dramatic shift in subject content, I split the posts into two. You can read them in either order, they don't connect in any way, and unlike most of my posts, this one is less about my present life and more about how I got here.]

Between posting "Close the Distance" and this one, I've really thought about why I came here.  Actually, it's a question I've been asked many times, as well. "Why Virginia?"; "Why law school?"; "Why that school?"...the list goes on but the question is always "Why?" After I shot myself in the foot with last semester's academic performance, I realized that, if I'm going to succeed, I have to be able to honestly answer the question of why I'm here. 

Before I go into it, I'd like to preface that this next part is nearly exclusively impacted by the fact that I am Christian. I truly and completely believe in what Jesus taught. There are things I don't understand yet, and there are things I've learned and continue to learn over and over again. So, my point is, I don't tell this story with any hidden motive or meaning. It's just my story. It's me being honest.

  

So, when I started undergrad, I wanted to be a flight attendant and for reasons that didn't make a lick of sense, I was a music major. I didn't like it much. For as much as I enjoyed music and singing, it just wasn't the right fit for me. My first semester, though, I also took a Japanese class. I loved it. There weren't enough Tuesdays and Thursdays in the week to satisfy how much I wanted to learn. That professor also taught linguistics, and often referred to linguistic concepts in class. I got crazy obsessed with that, too. It wasn't long before I was a Linguistics and Japanese double major. My dreams of what I'd do with that, though, changed frequently. With my lack of direction and inability to stay focused, I wasn't doing great. Then, about the time I was finishing my second year, my life started to get bumpy. 

Enter God. Up until this point, God didn't matter to me so much. I had been involved in church and youth group on and off for most of my life, but it wasn't something I really cared about. Granted, for as much as I enjoyed things, I didn't really care about anything. I was selfishly motivated and hated change. I was charismatic and could make acquaintances easily, but I felt completely isolated. It took my life beginning to unwind for me to begin to realize that I couldn't keep living like that. I became a Christian because this belief in God gave me a better way to do things and something to live for. Faith changed everything. My life still had a bit of unwinding to do, but I didn't feel alone anymore.

Some time later, God said, "Go to law school" (I use the word 'said' loosely. It wasn't an audible voice, and I can't really explain how I knew that was what God wanted from me, but I did, and so I accepted that as fact). My responding attitude was something between: a real, "Sure, okay." And a more sarcastic, "Sure, let me get right on that." Eventually, my dream ended up becoming to go to law school. Nearly immediately after I'd decided that I was indeed going to apply, an Intervarsity (Christian organization on college campuses) staff worker told me about this school in Virginia called Regent University. As he told me, I knew, with the same certainty that I did about going to law school in the first place, that this was the school I would go to. When I got the chance, I checked out the website. I was pretty stoked. I just had to go to this school. 

There's a fairly significant fact I've been leaving out. Not purposely, but it just hasn't been as important for the point of the story thus far. But why I had to go to Regent requires this to fully understand its meaning. So, since about high school, I have been aware and passionate about the fight against human trafficking. Going to law school was not independent of this fight; I want to be a part of it. Between high school and about the middle of undergrad, while I got fairly apathetic about things, I stopped caring about the outside world, too. But again I say: faith changed everything. My heart and drive woke up and I just had to do something. Regent has this thing called the Center of Global Justice, dedicated to fight for religious freedom, the oppressed, the enslaved, the orphan, the widow....etc. Law and Justice. In one school. This was why I was stoked. This is why I went and moved two thousand, three hundred and seventy-seven miles away (according to google maps, my apartment and Kris's house are 2,377 miles apart, but the driving distance is closer to 2,700 miles). This is why I came here. To do something. So I can't say that I don't want this anymore; it was never about what I wanted. It's about that fact that I decided to care. 

There's a little more to the story. Well, a lot more, but I'm not comfortable sharing it over a public blog online. (More than happy to share in a more private setting). The gist of the rest is that I shouldn't have been able to get here. There are many reasons why my being here shouldn't have been possible. Miracle after miracle of opening doors, last minute decisions and so much mercy from people who love me, people who didn't like me very much, and people who have no idea who I am. 

I'm very thankful to God for my life and the opportunity to be here. In all honestly, if I left or failed out, I have no idea what I'd do with my time. All the things I planned out for myself don't hold weight anymore. I can't explain how deeply the desire to do something is rooted in my heart. So I hope that I remember that through the mundane and challenge of law school, I didn't come here to fail.

[Since my life is kinda the same everyday, and will be for a while, I might post more posts about life in general, similar to this one. I haven't decided. If I wait for interesting things to happen, I might not post at all. Haha.]

Beautiful Day

Oh oh, my my

I'm learning to fly

Hey, hey, what's that you're saying?

Let's not forget we're alive.

                                         -Joshua Radin

Greetings! As some of you may know, I deactivated my Facebook yesterday. It's been amazing to see how just removing access to Facebook eliminated a whole host of distractions. I've finished all my reading for Monday and Tuesday and have made a substantial dent in reading for Thursday. :D It's nice to know it's possible. AND!! As I get better at this, I should be able to get all the week's reading done over the weekend so it's just review over the week. That would be cool.

Other than homework, today was super productive. I've almost finished my resume and started figuring out how to write a cover letter. I'm refreshing my Japanese before I start really studying for the JLPT, so I worked on that for a bit. And then, I also signed up for a membership at the YMCA in town, meaning that for the first time in months I was able to swim. :D I had two thoughts about the experience:

1. I should never, ever, ever stop swimming again. I forget how much I like it sometimes. 
2. The second was that I am significantly more out of shape than I thought. It's going to take some time to get back to swimming longer sets. 

Regardless, I had fun and I exercised like I'm supposed to. It's also about a half mile walk to the gym, so I walked a mile, too! I'm also in the process of getting laundry done. So I went from not knowing how I was supposed to have enough hours in the day to get my stuff done to being more productive than I think I've ever been in my life. I feel pretty good about it, too. PROGRESS. I'll say it's the first step towards victory, and continue onwards.

A note about school:
Apparently, my situation is slightly worse than I initially thought, and so there is more at stake than I realized. Thankfully, I have people here who care about me and have been giving me ideas and advice about how to succeed this semester. At this point, what remains is me and my will/desire/commitment/ability to get it done. This week went all right, and so far next week looks promising. I just need to keep it up. Any and all encouragement, prayers and love are always welcomed. :] (Especially in the form of letters! ;] )

I hope everyone is doing well. To remind you again, I'm still accepting letters (and Starbucks/Chipotle/Target/Amazon gift cards, for that matter). :P

If needed, you can email me at thewaterlessfish@gmail.com since I no longer have facebook. My phone number is likely changing in about a month, so I'll let y'all know when that happens.

:]

P.S. There is a second part to this post, but due to length and subject content, I split them into two. If you got here via link to this post, you might not have seen it.